Saturday, April 17, 2010

A Roller-coaster....

Just when I think all is well, so quickly do we get another sharp, and very painful turn in the road.

The woman from Petsave (Jill) made her visit today. And the news was far from good.

Once again I am turning to all of you out there because I feel that I can count on you... You have all been so kind, and right now, writing is the only thing that is going to help. We feel so lost on what may lie ahead.

After examining both Wesley and L, Jill told us that their case was extremely severe. Wesley's diarrhea and bleeding are caused by the CH. We had no idea that he was in pain from it (but he does cry quite awfully when he goes). L may very well be the same way, but we wouldn't know, since Rosie is taking care of that still.
She told us that neither of them will ever walk, and will never be able to go about day-to-day things like eating and bathrooming on their own. That Wesley will be sick from the bowel movements forever. L will probably never be able to get himself to food or litter. Wesley would probably never do it without assistance.

She is insisting on the euthanization...

What are we supposed to say? What are we supposed to do?

Before she got here, we thought we were both prepared to tell her that no matter what, we would look after them... we have worked so hard to make sure they have had a good quality of life so far. We didn't know that they were in such a severe state, and thought for sure they would eventually be fine.
Basically, if we wanted to continue holding onto them, we would be looking at constant care for them for the rest of their lives. Helping them eat, bathroom, and so on. And not to forget the fact that they would still have to live with Yoko. This was certainly not something we were prepared to do... yet we want to help them so very much. And now it seems our options are running out.

Now with Wesley... because of his bowel-sickness... we wouldn't be able to tell what would happen. The bleeding (that is getting worse every day) means that he really isn't doing so well internally.. that it's most likely due to the irritation inside him.

Jill was not cold or unfriendly about it... if anything, she could tell how much we were in pain about the news. I know it's not easy to break that kind of news to foster parents. I know her intentions to do this are in the best interest of the kittens. I just can't help but think that there should be, there CAN be, an alternative.

Doug and I have been in conversation about the issue since she left... with many tears shed. I want the best for them... but I don't know what that is. I see all these videos of cats with CH, and how 'perfect' everything seems for them. They have owners that can provide the constant care for them. Many though, are not as severe as our boys.

We have talked about holding onto them here for a while.. continue to hand-rear Wesley.. hope that maybe he will pull through.
L... well... who knows... Once Rosie decides that she won't look after him anymore, then what do we do? ...We both work long days, and Doug is taking time off from work every single day right now just to be able to get Wesley a feeding during the day. Unfortunately, that can't continue.... as we also have evening priorities that are quickly approaching as the summer gets here.

I don't want to euthanize them....... How could I possibly even THINK about that? My Wesley... he is my boy, and I want to see him grow and be happy and have a good life. But where can I turn to help him? And L...
They don't deserve this.

I suggested that we should see if we can find others who may be able to take over... but I wouldn't even know where to go.
We wish we could keep them.... I want to protect their little lives....

It's just not fair.

I know this site has become such a sad place lately, and I apologize to all of you readers. You have been so fantastic... and I hope that you aren't frustrated with me... but as I said, I feel that writing really helps... and I'm doing it because it helps with wrapping my head around my thoughts. I appreciate anyone out there that listens.

So, where does that leave us? I don't know.
We still sit here sullen and cloudy-eyed.
The decision of two little lives are in our hands, and we have no idea what to do.

We have until Monday, when Jill has told us she will be here to pick them up. I can't express how broken-hearted we are. And we want to make the right choice for them. But we don't know what that is yet.
Anyone... absolutely anyone... who can care for these little two, please don't hesitate to contact me this weekend. I'm best reached at kyestera{at}

Thanks everyone....


  1. We are so saddened to hear this news. It is NEVER easy to let a beloved pet go. But, you have to keep in mind that they are suffering and will never have a chance at a normal life. I know these aren't words to hear and believe me, if I could make them well for you, I would. They are such sweethearts but again, they are hurting. I know this will be one of the hardest decisions you will have to make, but think that you're doing it for THEM. I had to put my dearlt departed Scooter(RIP) down, last April of 2009. I didn't want to (for my selfishness) but not doing so would have had her die an slow, agonizing death. She had cancer. I am so sorry for you and send you a big (((Hug))).

    I'm sorry...

  2. My dear friend, I don't know what to say to you. No matter what your decision, know that you and your lovely Doug have done everything you can and more.

    Having those sweet wee kittens in pain is no life though. But you are the one that sees them every day. You are the one that can tell what kind of quality of life they would have.

    I send you all my love and warm wishes and know that I am thinking of you during this most difficult time.

    Love and hugs,
    xo Catherine

  3. I'm really sorry to hear this news Lynds. From an outsider's point of view I think what you need to focus on to make this tough decision is if you keep them alive are you keeping them in pain? It's very difficult, but sometimes the best thing to do is to compassionately euthanize. I don't envy you this decision doll.
    All the best

  4. Oh, Lyndsay, I'm so sorry to read your post. There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said, but know that you, Doug and your little family are in many people's minds, hearts and prayers this weekend.

    Please never apologize for sharing on your blog. Especially when times are difficult. Supporting each other at times like this is what defines a community.

    All my love,

  5. oh no!!! can you get a second opinion? that would help, either with solidifying your decision to hand rear them till they're self sufficient, or with the realization that they need to go on with their big brother. what sad news. i am SO sorry to hear it. :( we're all here. anything you need to express, we want to help you through it.

  6. Please don't ever apologize for what you write on this blog. I'm sending you my love and prayers and know you will make the best decision for them. Angie is right, a second opinion may be best to get so you know that you've made the best decision.

    Love and blessings,

  7. Oh my - my heart aches for you. It is such an overwhelming decision to make. Before making that decision please please get a second opinion. Take them all to (another) vet. Perhaps the one we discussed in the email. If nothing else, the second opinion will help reassure you that whatever decision you make is the best one.

    I wish there was something else we all could do to make this time easier for you. Just know that you are in the hearts and minds of us all. And never apologize for writing this blog. We are all here to help each other and to learn from each other.

    Blessings to you,

  8. I know whatever decision you make will be hard for you, but have some faith in yourself, because we all know whatever you decide, it will be best for them.

  9. My family and I are so sad to hear this news. You just simply have to trust your hearts and decide what is best for them as they cannot do that for themselves. Purrs and prayers to you all.

  10. Just has to add that I know you are a loving and caring foster Mom. You will do what is best for your babies. Trust your heart. You have already given them so much love and tenderness that they might never have otherwise known. Please don't regret a single minute and never feel that you let them down. Whatever decision you make will be the right one.


  11. Oh, we are very sorry to hear about the poor kitties. It doesn't seem as if they can get well, which is terribly unfair. We can't tell you what to do but we knows you love them and we knows they can feel your love. ~AFSS

  12. I am so very sorry that you are being faced with such an awful decision. You are right, it is not fair.

    I would wholeheartedly recommend getting a second opinion from another vet. I now do that with tricky cases, and I find it immensely helpful, partly because I know the vet's opinion will be removed from any of the politics/ budgeting/ ethos etc of the shelter or the vet you are initially dealing with.

    It also helps to make things clear in my mind about the severity of the situation. I fought against a euthanasia that I now realise was necessary. I faught it based on my emotions, I thought if I could care for him enough he would pull through. I regret that I put him through additional pain because I wasn't prepared to really look at the situation.

    On the other hand, I faught against a euthanasia (my Lishy's) after seeing another vet and finding out what they thought the prognosis was. I was confident in my decision, and know it was the right one.

    One of the ironys of foster caring is that on occasion kittens make it to an older age than they would if just being looked after by their mum, because of the extra care they receive. Sometimes they make it to old age, other times they might make it to four weeks, but still longer than they otherwise would. I had two kittens who crashed on me at four weeks old, when I was very new to looking after bottle babies. The vet was amazed that they had made it to that age, because they had deformities in their mouths and throats that in my inexperience I had been unaware of. The force feedings only bought them some time.

    I guess what I am really trying to say is that sometimes we fight for ourselves just as much as the little ones. I now make decisions in conjunction with my other half and our independant vet, because I do not trust myself to be able to make a decision based soley on the facts. I desperately want to save them all, and sometimes I can't see past that emotion. I am lucky to have a vet who is good at clearly stating the quality of life issues with each kitten.

    I also wanted to say something about the risk of looking at other kitties with the same condition. One of my bubbas was euthanised at 6 weeks old with cat flu. After seeing all these other healthy cats with cat flu who just needed a bit of lysine to fight off outbreaks, I tortured myself over it. It wasn't until I sat down with the vet and he explained that while my kitten was sick with the cat flu, it's severity had caused catastrophic effects in his systems and he would have died regardless. It had effected him in a different way to the other cats I had seen. It is something to remember with your kitties, too. The ones you see on YouTube are the success stories, and won't necessarily reflect the prognosis for Wesley and L.

    Please know that I am thinking of you and the kittens, and you are in my prayers. The care and love you have given these babies has made all the difference in the world for them.


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