Friday, A Novel

Yesterday was a bit of a whirlwind, like many days have been in the past little while.
A lot happened over the course of the day, which has left me at a crossroad today. Basically, the constant weighing of options was being bounced back and forth between each person I talked to... and unfortunately nothing has been resolved yet. But, I did go to bed after my little blurb on here last night, so I'm feeling a little clearer this morning.

After being with the kittens in the morning, and seeing them continue to struggle, I felt that I couldn't handle seeing them like that anymore.
And I think it finally caught up to me, and I had a bit of a breakdown. Luckily, I have a door to my office that I could close and hide my tears from everyone for a while. Instead of being alone, I needed outside advice, so reached out to my fabulous Mother over the phone (who is 6-hours away), and she talked me through it... *Thanks Mom* ♥

There is a lot to the story. I'm going to try to be as detailed as possible about it, but I know that no matter how I explain it - it's not going to be exactly the same as it happened. But, I'll try to describe it the best I can. I'm not sure how it'll come out.

It kind of went like this...

My Mom and I talked about what was best for the kittens, and how their current quality of life is definitely a rocky one, even though we're working with them as often as we can (which is all the hours during the day that we are home). Because both kittens are struggling with their day-to-day needs so much, and there's a good percentage that they'll never be able to function properly, I think I knew in the back of my mind what probably needed to be done. It was the fact that every day I would come home to see them soaking in their own urine and feces because they don't understand the litterbox, Wesley crying because he's hungry because he can't eat on his own (and pretty much crying all the time, even after he ate and bathroomed), and them flopping and struggling to walk to get places, that was heartbreaking to see. As much as I didn't want to admit it to myself, I was starting to consider a horrible decision. I had to remove my own emotions from the situation, be strong, and know what may just be the inevitable. We figured there would be no way we would ever find anyone that would be able to care for these boys around the clock forever.

And then, just as that discussion was happening, that small percentage... a little ray of hope... shone down from somewhere.

I hung up from talking to my Mom, and I noticed that my cell phone had got a message on it while I was on talking.
It was from one of the girls I had been speaking to via email.
She is not too far south of us (a drivable distance).... and she told me that she is interested in adopting the kittens (I won't disclose her name or anything, just in case she would prefer I didn't, and I want to value her privacy). We had a brief phone exchange because I had a meeting to attend at work, but she mentioned that because she works from home, she may be willing to take the boys. But, we needed to talk more, because there was still a lot to consider.

As much as I wanted to be happy that she called, I still had to think about what would be best for the boys. So, once my meeting was over, I called Jill at Pet Save to see what she thought about it - and if it were possible, what procedures would have to be taken to adopt them out, if we decided to go that route.
As I suspected, she confirmed my initial decision to still be the wiser one, since she has seen so many cases of CH in her work... but she would honour whatever decision I would think to be best for them.

*By the way, I do want to note again that I feel Jill knows what she is talking about. After 10 or so years of working with sick cats, and all the experience she has with CH and distemper, I know that she has just as much (if not more than) what a professional Vet would have, because she sees this kind of thing every day. She said that on a scale of 1-10 on the severity of cats with CH there are, ours are a definite 10.
Where a lot of the people I talk to have had or seen a cat with CH, it doesn't compare to what she has (because I have to tell these people that not every CH cat case is the same... even if their cat is alive and healthy and perfect - I can only congratulate those people for sticking through it with that one - but not all CH cats turn out to live happy lives).

Ok, back to what I was saying...
So, in the evening, once I got home, I was able to reach our potential adopter. And I had to break the news that I was still considering both options - and I explained why. She was understanding, but I know deep down she doesn't want us to do put them down. Hell, -I- don't want to put them down either, but I just can't help but think that if we don't, what if she takes them, and then in the end -she's- stuck with this decision...
She is reaching out to us, like many of you have, and is considering to even taking this issue into her own hands (I thank her so so so much for this - people in this world continue to amaze me)... but, I know she has a lot to handle on her own there now, such as another severe CH cat that requires around the clock care.
I just... I don't know. I want the boys to have a happy life, and there is no doubt in my mind after talking to her that she would be a wonderful candidate to help them since she knows how to handle CH cats ... but I also worry about her and what she has on the go with the one... to add TWO more severe cases to the mix... I know she is going to have to really think about if she can handle it. Plus, again, I don't know what their destiny is going to be - and what if they don't make it (Jill believes there may even be something else going on with little Wesley, either neurologically, or just underdeveloped as a whole.. that may be consuming him regardless).

So, we both decided to sleep on it.

When I got off the phone, I went into the kitten room for a couple hours........ and I swear these kittens listen to my conversations. Where Wesley usually tries to stand, wobbles and falls... he looked like he was maybe making some progress. He still can't control himself, but.... I don't know, I couldn't help but start to think that maybe he could figure it out eventually. He still can't eat on his own, and definitely doesn't understand the litterbox (I'll come back to this in a minute), and still has blood in his stool (where he lets out a little 'yelp' at the end of the push)... But I just keep wanting to hold on to the hope.

Then..... this morning was a whole new story...

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I went bug-eyed at them... my jaw dropped... and I just... was amazed. They made me begin to wonder if my thoughts to euthanize really are wrong ....

When I went into the room... Wesley was up and on all fours... wobbly, but... eagerly trying to make his way to me. Falling and rocking, but getting up again and again. He wasn't quite sure how to go straight, but I think the hunger in his tummy gave him the push to go to me. He's made a few steps before (the most being 4 before falling) - you can see how he was moving in the video I posted before.. but this was different. He wasn't actually trying to use his legs much before, but today he was amazing me.

L, on the other hand, still doesn't get up or walk. But, he does spread his legs and lie on his belly now - where he never used to. He seems to know how to make his way around on his side though... and loves his toys (Wesley still has no interest in toys). But, he flops around like a seal to get places. I actually think he's kinda getting good at it... even though I know this guy will almost positively never walk.

The next thing was the feeding...
From 'our potential adopter's advice from the phonecall, she suggested that instead of the bottle, which Wesley was getting frustrated with(and not getting any solid food in him)... that we should go back to the syringe we were using with him weeks ago, but this time put the kitten pate into it (instead of just formula). We had moved to the bottle orignially because he learned to suck the syringe, so it gave him more control with the bottle. But now he's getting bigger, and now the bottle isn't fast enough, and he doesn't want to suck anymore. He wants to chomp/chew. So I mixed KMR 2nd powder, Nutrience kitten formula powder, a little bit of warm water, and a big glob of chicken pate into an almost paste/goo (more solid than what we had to put in the bottle, and a lot more pate than he's ever had)... and began pushing it into his mouth with the syringe, over and over... And he ate it at an alarming rate, and was chewing it, and wanted more and more and more... I couldn't believe it. I was happy to see him eat something with some good substance.
(I also want to add that I've said before that he's eaten slurry out of a bowl, but he has pretty much refused to since I said that.. and he still won't eat anything alone... but I'm thinking that maybe with the guidance of the syringe, maybe he could? I don't know.)

The feeding with L is as basic as this: I have now officially witnessed him 100% (and actually this was last night, as well as this morning) eating kibble, on his own, from the dish. So, I think I'm considering him done in this category. Except I don't know what to do about water. I know he still nurses from Rosie, so he's getting his liquid there... so I think tonight I'll try to water down his kibble a bit. It'll probably be messy, but that's fine. I'm sure she'll be glad when she doesn't have to nurse anymore.

Okay, so feeding, walking... that leaves litterbox.

So, neither use the litterbox. They haven't since day one, and we've been trying every time we feed Wes (and more). Wesley still goes all over the place, and L still has Rosie cleaning up after his mess.
But this morning, after I fed Wesley, I put him in the box, as I always do... and before I got a cloth to begin stimulating (cause normally he puts up a fuss when I stick him in the box at all), he had his legs spread, his chin leaning on the edge of the box (my hand lightly resting on him, just to keep his little body still)... he stiffened up as I was leaning to grab my diaper wipe, and away.he.went... on his own. I couldn't believe it.

Now, do I think he'll do this again? I have no clue. Maybe it was a fluke, and he just really needed to go... but... where he would've just waited before and gone -on me- while feeding him... this time he did wait til I put him in the box. I -swear- he was listening to the phonecall I had last night - because I told that poor girl over and over that there was possibly no hope for the box, especially for Wesley. But... I swear, I'm not afraid to admit to something when I'm wrong (not saying that he WILL - which was the point I was making at the time... but I am definitely thinking there could be a MIGHT).

L began his regular peeing on the floor this morning when I was in there too... and I picked him up and let him finish in the box. I don't know about this guy... but he seems to always want to pee in the same spot. I've tried putting the litterpan there, but he never uses it - he prefers the floor. So, I'm finally gonna pick up a puppy pad or something tonight or tomorrow - as I keep meaning to do (no, I know, I should've done that already.. I keep saying I will :P)

Oooooh kayyyyy....
So... now.... with all that jibber jabber that I've just posted (that was long I know, I apologize), I know I simply can't explain how twisted up I feel about everything. I feel hopeful... but I still can't confirm that all the behaviour that I've seen last night/today is going to stay.... but I think I still want to wait. So, Doug and I think we're going to give it another week.

I have told the potential adopter to absolutely not feel obligated to take them... because as I said, she's already got a handful there... and I thank her again and again that she is doing what she is.
This post is only for information for a) me to have because it gets it out of my brain... and b) for anyone that is interested on what the situation is... It's not to make her feel that if she doesn't take them, then that's what will seal their fate/or to make her feel bad if she doesn't. Because no one can still know for sure what will become of them as they get older... And they still will most likely need around the clock care regardless... so I -understand- if she can't. Because, I know I can't either.

Alright.. I think I said enough for now. Again, sorry that this was such a huge post, but like I said, I'm sorta doing it for me too... Writing helps me wrap my head around things sometimes.

Thanks for all the posts that continue to come in with good wishes and thoughts. You are all terrific.
If you've emailed me and I haven't answered, I hope to get to them this weekend. Should be fairly quiet at home, so I hope to get back to everyone that I haven't yet.

I hope everyone has a lovely Friday, and a lovely weekend. I'll be in touch soon ♥