On a lighter side

I need to step away from a post about the kittens for today to announce something special...

Today is  
 ♥ ☺ ♥ ☺ ♥ Yoko's Sweet 16th Birthday! ♥ ☺ ♥ ☺ ♥

On April 24th, 1994, Yoko was born to a litter of 6 kittens. 3 Boys and 3 Girls. The boys were Siamese and the girls were Tortoise-Shell Tonkinese. This is because Yoko's mother was a Tortoise-Shell Burmese and her father was a pure-bred Chocolate-Point Siamese. The entire litter and the parents were all just beautiful.

I remember the day we went to pick one of the kittens out. We made the decision to get another cat because my cat Slinky had passed away recently of old age... and it was so sad that we thought a new kitten would help us get through it (and I had been bugging my parents for another cat for a long time). We wanted a Siamese because my Mom loved the breed, so when we heard that a litter had been born down the street from us, we decided to go look. Unfortunately, when we got there, the boys had already been picked by other people... so we couldn't get one of them. But, the Tonk girls were also so cute. All of them were white, so you couldn't really tell what they were going to look like until they got older. We decided we'd get one of the girls after all.

I had fallen in love with the runt (big surprise eh?), who was quietly curled up on the top of the cat tree, minding her own business while the rest tore around the room with each other. As I turned to tell my Mom that that was the kitten I wanted, she was holding up the most rascally, limb-flailing, whining kitten at me and said - This is the one! Much to my disappointment, I let her talk me into it. A kitten was a kitten.

And what a kitten she was. A crazy and feisty cat from birth, she still is as quirky today as she was the day we brought her home. Never have I seen or known a cat with so much personality and life as this girl. She has been by my side for 16 years, and has been through it all with me... my little furry rock, who listens to me when I'm down, snuggles me every night while I sleep, plays and enjoys my and everyone's company. She's just so well rounded and amazing.

She didn't always get along with people, but I've found as she's aged, she has become so much more relaxed and loves to hang out with everyone when we have people over.
She's a VERY smart cookie, and I know she understands every single thing that goes on. I know that she follows our emotions, and her behaviour always mirrors what is going on around her.

Even through all the foster kittens we've had, she quietly observes from a distance and seems to not mind them in her home (as they do have their own foster room). She doesn't like other cats at all, but I think it's just because she's not used to them. We've never got another cat because we respect that she is so wonderful, and we wouldn't ever want to ruin that. She has been so good to me, that I never would want to upset her in any way. Her life is definitely a happy one right now (and oh boy she is SPOILED!) :D

I'm so very glad that my Mom picked her out that day, because I couldn't have ever asked for a better cat. She is still full of life, always a kitten at heart, and she is a companion to any person that she meets.
She is my girl and I love her very very much.

Happy Birthday, my sweet little Yoko. :)

Friday, A Novel

Yesterday was a bit of a whirlwind, like many days have been in the past little while.
A lot happened over the course of the day, which has left me at a crossroad today. Basically, the constant weighing of options was being bounced back and forth between each person I talked to... and unfortunately nothing has been resolved yet. But, I did go to bed after my little blurb on here last night, so I'm feeling a little clearer this morning.

After being with the kittens in the morning, and seeing them continue to struggle, I felt that I couldn't handle seeing them like that anymore.
And I think it finally caught up to me, and I had a bit of a breakdown. Luckily, I have a door to my office that I could close and hide my tears from everyone for a while. Instead of being alone, I needed outside advice, so reached out to my fabulous Mother over the phone (who is 6-hours away), and she talked me through it... *Thanks Mom* ♥

There is a lot to the story. I'm going to try to be as detailed as possible about it, but I know that no matter how I explain it - it's not going to be exactly the same as it happened. But, I'll try to describe it the best I can. I'm not sure how it'll come out.

It kind of went like this...

My Mom and I talked about what was best for the kittens, and how their current quality of life is definitely a rocky one, even though we're working with them as often as we can (which is all the hours during the day that we are home). Because both kittens are struggling with their day-to-day needs so much, and there's a good percentage that they'll never be able to function properly, I think I knew in the back of my mind what probably needed to be done. It was the fact that every day I would come home to see them soaking in their own urine and feces because they don't understand the litterbox, Wesley crying because he's hungry because he can't eat on his own (and pretty much crying all the time, even after he ate and bathroomed), and them flopping and struggling to walk to get places, that was heartbreaking to see. As much as I didn't want to admit it to myself, I was starting to consider a horrible decision. I had to remove my own emotions from the situation, be strong, and know what may just be the inevitable. We figured there would be no way we would ever find anyone that would be able to care for these boys around the clock forever.

And then, just as that discussion was happening, that small percentage... a little ray of hope... shone down from somewhere.

I hung up from talking to my Mom, and I noticed that my cell phone had got a message on it while I was on talking.
It was from one of the girls I had been speaking to via email.
She is not too far south of us (a drivable distance).... and she told me that she is interested in adopting the kittens (I won't disclose her name or anything, just in case she would prefer I didn't, and I want to value her privacy). We had a brief phone exchange because I had a meeting to attend at work, but she mentioned that because she works from home, she may be willing to take the boys. But, we needed to talk more, because there was still a lot to consider.

As much as I wanted to be happy that she called, I still had to think about what would be best for the boys. So, once my meeting was over, I called Jill at Pet Save to see what she thought about it - and if it were possible, what procedures would have to be taken to adopt them out, if we decided to go that route.
As I suspected, she confirmed my initial decision to still be the wiser one, since she has seen so many cases of CH in her work... but she would honour whatever decision I would think to be best for them.

*By the way, I do want to note again that I feel Jill knows what she is talking about. After 10 or so years of working with sick cats, and all the experience she has with CH and distemper, I know that she has just as much (if not more than) what a professional Vet would have, because she sees this kind of thing every day. She said that on a scale of 1-10 on the severity of cats with CH there are, ours are a definite 10.
Where a lot of the people I talk to have had or seen a cat with CH, it doesn't compare to what she has (because I have to tell these people that not every CH cat case is the same... even if their cat is alive and healthy and perfect - I can only congratulate those people for sticking through it with that one - but not all CH cats turn out to live happy lives).

Ok, back to what I was saying...
So, in the evening, once I got home, I was able to reach our potential adopter. And I had to break the news that I was still considering both options - and I explained why. She was understanding, but I know deep down she doesn't want us to do put them down. Hell, -I- don't want to put them down either, but I just can't help but think that if we don't, what if she takes them, and then in the end -she's- stuck with this decision...
She is reaching out to us, like many of you have, and is considering to even taking this issue into her own hands (I thank her so so so much for this - people in this world continue to amaze me)... but, I know she has a lot to handle on her own there now, such as another severe CH cat that requires around the clock care.
I just... I don't know. I want the boys to have a happy life, and there is no doubt in my mind after talking to her that she would be a wonderful candidate to help them since she knows how to handle CH cats ... but I also worry about her and what she has on the go with the one... to add TWO more severe cases to the mix... I know she is going to have to really think about if she can handle it. Plus, again, I don't know what their destiny is going to be - and what if they don't make it (Jill believes there may even be something else going on with little Wesley, either neurologically, or just underdeveloped as a whole.. that may be consuming him regardless).

So, we both decided to sleep on it.

When I got off the phone, I went into the kitten room for a couple hours........ and I swear these kittens listen to my conversations. Where Wesley usually tries to stand, wobbles and falls... he looked like he was maybe making some progress. He still can't control himself, but.... I don't know, I couldn't help but start to think that maybe he could figure it out eventually. He still can't eat on his own, and definitely doesn't understand the litterbox (I'll come back to this in a minute), and still has blood in his stool (where he lets out a little 'yelp' at the end of the push)... But I just keep wanting to hold on to the hope.

Then..... this morning was a whole new story...

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I went bug-eyed at them... my jaw dropped... and I just... was amazed. They made me begin to wonder if my thoughts to euthanize really are wrong ....

When I went into the room... Wesley was up and on all fours... wobbly, but... eagerly trying to make his way to me. Falling and rocking, but getting up again and again. He wasn't quite sure how to go straight, but I think the hunger in his tummy gave him the push to go to me. He's made a few steps before (the most being 4 before falling) - you can see how he was moving in the video I posted before.. but this was different. He wasn't actually trying to use his legs much before, but today he was amazing me.

L, on the other hand, still doesn't get up or walk. But, he does spread his legs and lie on his belly now - where he never used to. He seems to know how to make his way around on his side though... and loves his toys (Wesley still has no interest in toys). But, he flops around like a seal to get places. I actually think he's kinda getting good at it... even though I know this guy will almost positively never walk.

The next thing was the feeding...
From 'our potential adopter's advice from the phonecall, she suggested that instead of the bottle, which Wesley was getting frustrated with(and not getting any solid food in him)... that we should go back to the syringe we were using with him weeks ago, but this time put the kitten pate into it (instead of just formula). We had moved to the bottle orignially because he learned to suck the syringe, so it gave him more control with the bottle. But now he's getting bigger, and now the bottle isn't fast enough, and he doesn't want to suck anymore. He wants to chomp/chew. So I mixed KMR 2nd powder, Nutrience kitten formula powder, a little bit of warm water, and a big glob of chicken pate into an almost paste/goo (more solid than what we had to put in the bottle, and a lot more pate than he's ever had)... and began pushing it into his mouth with the syringe, over and over... And he ate it at an alarming rate, and was chewing it, and wanted more and more and more... I couldn't believe it. I was happy to see him eat something with some good substance.
(I also want to add that I've said before that he's eaten slurry out of a bowl, but he has pretty much refused to since I said that.. and he still won't eat anything alone... but I'm thinking that maybe with the guidance of the syringe, maybe he could? I don't know.)

The feeding with L is as basic as this: I have now officially witnessed him 100% (and actually this was last night, as well as this morning) eating kibble, on his own, from the dish. So, I think I'm considering him done in this category. Except I don't know what to do about water. I know he still nurses from Rosie, so he's getting his liquid there... so I think tonight I'll try to water down his kibble a bit. It'll probably be messy, but that's fine. I'm sure she'll be glad when she doesn't have to nurse anymore.

Okay, so feeding, walking... that leaves litterbox.

So, neither use the litterbox. They haven't since day one, and we've been trying every time we feed Wes (and more). Wesley still goes all over the place, and L still has Rosie cleaning up after his mess.
But this morning, after I fed Wesley, I put him in the box, as I always do... and before I got a cloth to begin stimulating (cause normally he puts up a fuss when I stick him in the box at all), he had his legs spread, his chin leaning on the edge of the box (my hand lightly resting on him, just to keep his little body still)... he stiffened up as I was leaning to grab my diaper wipe, and away.he.went... on his own. I couldn't believe it.

Now, do I think he'll do this again? I have no clue. Maybe it was a fluke, and he just really needed to go... but... where he would've just waited before and gone -on me- while feeding him... this time he did wait til I put him in the box. I -swear- he was listening to the phonecall I had last night - because I told that poor girl over and over that there was possibly no hope for the box, especially for Wesley. But... I swear, I'm not afraid to admit to something when I'm wrong (not saying that he WILL - which was the point I was making at the time... but I am definitely thinking there could be a MIGHT).

L began his regular peeing on the floor this morning when I was in there too... and I picked him up and let him finish in the box. I don't know about this guy... but he seems to always want to pee in the same spot. I've tried putting the litterpan there, but he never uses it - he prefers the floor. So, I'm finally gonna pick up a puppy pad or something tonight or tomorrow - as I keep meaning to do (no, I know, I should've done that already.. I keep saying I will :P)

Oooooh kayyyyy....
So... now.... with all that jibber jabber that I've just posted (that was long I know, I apologize), I know I simply can't explain how twisted up I feel about everything. I feel hopeful... but I still can't confirm that all the behaviour that I've seen last night/today is going to stay.... but I think I still want to wait. So, Doug and I think we're going to give it another week.

I have told the potential adopter to absolutely not feel obligated to take them... because as I said, she's already got a handful there... and I thank her again and again that she is doing what she is.
This post is only for information for a) me to have because it gets it out of my brain... and b) for anyone that is interested on what the situation is... It's not to make her feel that if she doesn't take them, then that's what will seal their fate/or to make her feel bad if she doesn't. Because no one can still know for sure what will become of them as they get older... And they still will most likely need around the clock care regardless... so I -understand- if she can't. Because, I know I can't either.

Alright.. I think I said enough for now. Again, sorry that this was such a huge post, but like I said, I'm sorta doing it for me too... Writing helps me wrap my head around things sometimes.

Thanks for all the posts that continue to come in with good wishes and thoughts. You are all terrific.
If you've emailed me and I haven't answered, I hope to get to them this weekend. Should be fairly quiet at home, so I hope to get back to everyone that I haven't yet.

I hope everyone has a lovely Friday, and a lovely weekend. I'll be in touch soon ♥

No post today...

I just can't tonight. I need to get some rest because my head is spinning. I'll be back tomorrow.

Ok ok ok ok!!

I hate to reiterate. It doesn't matter if he has blood in the stool or not. As many (MANY) people have pointed out to me, CH doesn't cause it. Okay, that's fine. We were misinformed, and I apologize. This is not the reason behind euthanizing (for us OR the shelter). It was simply a comment from me on my site because I didn't know what it was being caused from. It really doesn't matter.

I know cats with CH are wonderful, but they need a LOT of care - especially when they don't walk at all. With these kittens, it IS impacting their current quality of life, and THIS is the reason the shelter said they would require euthanasia. Please remember that.
 
I said we would love to keep them, but we can't.
And the reason why the shelter said to put them down now is because she has dealt with HUNDREDS of cases of kittens with CH (with a huge outbreak of Panleukopenia in the Sudbury region the past two years). She has adopted out many of them, all with minor conditions. They don't promote euthanasia -- And they are actually a No Kill shelter. Which is amazing. You should see their facility where they keep all of them, it's unbelievable.
 
I understand I also may be coming across to 'blaming' the shelter for this decision. But, I'm most certainly not. This shelter does amazing work, and I am completely astonished with everything they do. She is making this call because she has seen it many times. And while we trust her, we still want to try to help them before that final word is made to do so. (We still haven't heard from her, and something tells me deep down that she IS giving us this leeway to do exactly what we're doing on here.)
 
They had an instance last year where they had a severe case of CH in a kitten (or maybe a few? I don't fully recall) when it was about 6-8 weeks old. The foster parents, just like us, knew that quality of life may have been bad right at that point, but they loved that kitten, and wanted to make sure --- so they held onto it. 
Four months later, the kitten was still "suffering" with not being able to do anything, and his lifestyle was not a happy one. Without around the clock care, there was nothing more they could do. (I may be slightly off on the exact details in the story, but that was the general point that she made to us). Everyone was heartbroken because of the attachment they had gained... and the kitten was almost in adulthood when the decision was finally made to euthanize.
And THIS is why she is suggesting it to us now. She doesn't want to have us keep going with something that may be inevitable, you know?
 
I know the die-hard CH cat lovers and euthanasia-haters would be against the decision, but our hands still may be tied. No one knows if they will do wonderful or not. Sure, they may grow up to be the sweet wonderful cats, like the ones on YouTube.... But maybe they won't. What if we prolong their life to that 6 months and they're still unhappy, and they still have no home... Then what?
 
Sigh..... I never wanted it to be this way for them. I see them every day, frustrated with their inability.
 
We need to find them a home, someone who is willing to -possibly- commit to caring for them for life. Right now they are growing rapidly, and each day, it seems worse. Because they WANT to walk and move, and be able to pee in a box properly, and eat from a dish normally. It's frustrating to them, and it's upsetting to us to watch them like this. It makes me so sad that they haven't been given a proper life.
 
We still don't know what to do. So, please, keep spreading the word. Everyone has been so great.
 
Doug and I have even talked, and would be willing to DELIVER them to you, if you can take them... Even if you don't live in Sudbury (within reason -- possibly anywhere in Ontario). Of course, we will need to discuss with the potential adopter on all that... but, that's how determined we are to get these guys a home.
 
Anyway... I'm really sorry again if I'm sounding a bit direct. I guess I'm finding myself on a short rope.
I'm SO thankful for all of you to talk to. You are the bestest. :) **hugs**

~~~~~~~~
PS: I do want to add another 'thanks' to everyone who has CH cats and is posting/sending their story. I love hearing about all the success stories, and all the love that you give them (and this really goes for any cat owner who takes any time to care for them).
You are gems.

~~~~~~~~
PPS: Made some flyers to distribute around the city today, too. This is basically what they're going to look like. (Note: Yeah, I have L's name as Ellie, just because it looks a little more inviting.. and besides, I call him that all the time ;))
Contact me via blog or email if you'd like phone number. I've removed it from the picture below, just in case.

Giving a Clear Message

Hey all...

I suppose I should have assumed that posting this kind of topic on the internet would ruffle a few feathers. So, I feel that I should take a brief moment to clarify a few things (and this is mainly going to a lot of the new readers out there that are coming over and only learning the basics without following the story ~ for everyone else, please just disregard).

I've received a number of people posting links to various helpful CH sites and forums. I thank everyone who has been helping and reaching out to us in every way, shape, and form. I urge anyone who is new to this site, to please read back to the beginning posts from where we first took in Rosie... because somewhere along the line, a message is being lost.

Euthanasia is something that shouldn't be taken lightly. And I assure you, we are not posting up here to say that this is the final conclusion to what we have decided and that's the route people with any CH cats should take. If anything, I think I've made clear that this isn't the case.

So anyway, here are the quick details for anybody who is confused. Because I've been to some forums, and received some comments and/or emails from people (not all negative, but definitely misinformed)... who don't seem to understand our situation.

1. We are foster parents.
2. We took in a mother cat from a local shelter (http://www.petsave.ca/), whom we believe was infected with Panleukopenia at some point in her pregnancy, without our, or the shelter's, knowledge.
3. She had 3 kittens, 2 survived. They are currently 6 weeks old. One has been hand-reared since birth because the mother rejected it.
4. About a week ago, they were diagnosed with severe Cerebellar Hypoplasia.
5. We never intended to keep these kittens, even before we found out about the CH (we have a perma-resident cat who doesn't get along with other cats, hence the fostering - where we can keep them in their own foster room until they are ready to be adopted). In addition, once we found out they had CH, our house is not fit for kittens with this type of disability. We also work full-time jobs with a heavy summer-recreation schedule, therefore we wouldn't have the time to care for their every need. We can not keep them - hence, we need help! That is why we have reached out to this wonderful community.
6. One kitten has on-again-off-again diarrhea. He has been tested twice for parasites, and both came back negative. We don't believe he has parasites. He has had blood in his stool for about 2 weeks, and the shelter manager commented that it could be related to bowel irritation from the CH - We assumed that that was a possibility, but apparently people started getting all excited because we were "putting them down for this reason". That is not the case, I want to make that very clear. We just didn't know how to help with it if it was a factor. It could plainly be from diet, we are aware.
7. The shelter manager made the call last Saturday to euthanize. Not us.
8. We are doing everything possible to hold on to these kittens for now, hopefully go in and get a second professional opinion, and hopefully find homes for them.
9. Everything still needs to be discussed with the shelter, and currently, we still have no idea what kind of decision making we are allowed to make, if any.
10. If we can find them a caring home, TRUST ME, I will do everything in my power to make it happen. And I will kiss the adopters repeatedly.

Given other circumstances, we would keep these kittens ourselves. We have grown so close to them, and I love them like they were my own. If anyone has been reading my blog, or knows me personally, you'll KNOW I have the deepest love for cats. I wouldn't ever make a decision to euthanize without weighing ALL options. We are doing the best we can to AVOID this issue right now.

I apologize if my message is a little blunt, but I don't want people to get the wrong idea.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, now that that's clear, onto other things. ;)

Some things definitely seem to be progressing with the boys. Such as last night. I witnessed L eating a piece of kitten kibble off the floor. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it on my blog, or maybe just commented individually to a couple people in email ~ but I've found him eating litter from the litter box a couple of times now (don't worry, non-clumping). No, he doesn't use the litterbox to pee in... just to chow down on. Typical kitten, imo :P

So, last night when I noticed him trying to chew on the single piece of kibble that Rosie had left behind on the floor, I thought, hey... I've read on CH sites that sometimes a good idea is to just put the chow right on the floor to see if they'll eat it there. So I took a handful and put it on the floor under his nose, and he started trying to eat them. Woo! Mind you, I don't think he actually DID eat any of them, because I don't think he's got the chewing thing down yet, but I figure I'll keep trying with him till he gets it. He did lick them a lot though.

I've tried the watered-down mushy-kibble in a bowl, but that doesn't work because of his condition either (as I've mentioned, he's on his side or back 90% of the time). And he'll lick some soft kitten pate from my fingers when offered (not always though - sometimes he turns up his nose). But, I think he's getting there.

I also witnessed something else strange with L and Rosie last night when I was feeding Wesley. I suppose because the little guy is growing so much, he's urinating a lot more. I can't believe the little arrangement he's got going on with Rosie. He lies on his side next to the desk where it's bare, and just lets it flow... She --follows-- him, wherever he goes, and drinks it all up... and I'm not talking a small puddle here. Poor girl. When I saw this happening, I helped her out by cleaning the rest up with baby wipes and kleenex. Explains why I've been coming home to strange 'dry' puddles on the floor every day. I doubt she'll keep that up much longer... and if we still have them at that point, who knows what we'll do. No way I'll get him to go IN the litter box. I may just have to try one of these 'puppy pads' I've seen people suggest. That may work for Wesley, too.

And oh god, the smell in there lately. Between that and Wesley's constant accidents all over the linen and floors, I can't keep up. I give all you CH(or other disabled) kitty owners out there that deal with this behaviour on a constant basis HUGE props. It's a lot of work. My evenings after work have become: Get in door, change into kitten-poo-friendly clothing, prepare and feed Wesley from bottle, mingle and conduct physiotherapy with both kittens (and play with Rosie), eat a quick dinner, say a quick hello to my own cat, wash floors and linen (this happens about every few days, but the linen is constantly being changed, and floors spot washed where necessary), get a post in & maybe some email.. then by that time it's pretty much feed Wesley again and go to bed. So that's what happened last night, all that other stuff had to happen, so I had to omit the emails/blogging.
I feel awful because I haven't been doing my rounds on everyone else's blogs lately. Catching up on reading when I can, but I don't come close to being able to answer. :(

More possible good news, is that I've had one or two people say that they're interested in adopting! Now, I'm not going to get excited yet, because we're not exactly 'next door' to any of these people... but, at least it's a start. Gotta get to my emails so that I can figure out a little bit more.

Another thing in regards to that. As I said in my first little blurb above (#9), I don't know what adoption actually can happen yet. I still haven't heard anything from Pet Save on 'her decision' yet... so, really everything is still really up in the air. I have no idea what the policy is when they've made a decision on their end to euthanize....but I can only hope that they'll follow the normal adoption protocols for their kittens, if someone is interested (I'm actually pretty sure they would... I just don't know what kind of billing is needed... and how it works with neutering and shots, etc). But, when she calls me, and we hopefully have a real solid sounding person interested, I'll be getting the full details on what to do. If I hear from her before I have someone, well, I suppose it'll still be up to the shelter's discretion - and we'll still bring the kittens into the vet next Thursday.

Anyway, guess that's all I can think of for now.
I've been debating whether to post pictures or videos or not... just because I don't want it to be awkward if something does happen with the shelter in the future... but I figure I should keep it up in case someone sees them and it makes them interested to adopt.
~~~~~~~~

If you are looking to adopt this kittens, please contact me at kyestera{at}hotmail.com as soon as possible!

No word

This is going to be a very quick post, as we just walked in the door and have errands to do - but I just needed to pop in here quick to at least let everyone know where things are at.
First, don't be worried right now, we had no word from the shelter manager today. So things are still as is from the weekend.
We booked an appointment with that nice vet for next Thursday evening (I know, far away, but it was all they could squeeze in). So, our little guys will be peachy keen here with us in the meantime.
The boys are happy and playing in their room right now.
We're getting lots of wonderful email and blog-comments from everyone, that I'm a little backlogged in responding to (I am going to get back to ALL of you - but I apologize, it will be tomorrow. I'll have a lot more time then).
Doug and I have been tossing around some ideas - many are from the terrific ideas from everyone out there that's reaching out to us. We still can't be fully positive, because everything is still up in the air... But -- I'll fill you in more on what some of those ideas are in my post tomorrow.
So please hang tight, I am reading every word from every person and I just don't have time tonight to respond - but I promise to be dedicated tomorrow night (I'll have a nice relaxing computer night tomorrow ;))
Love you all! :)

Another day

You are all wonderful people. As usual, your words of wisdom and kindness are helping us through this. The flow of suggestions, opinions, and stories from everyone are lifting our spirits.

Yesterday seemed like we were at the end of our rope. We battled with ourselves about the decision on what we should do. Back and forth on what would be best for them, and nothing seemed to be right. I think it's just beyond us to make this kind of decision.

So for now, when Jill calls tomorrow, we're going to try to buy a little more time, and see if we can get a second opinion.

Our vet, though close to our home, will probably not be our first choice. A long time ago, when I lived in the city, we had this wonderful veterinarian who was kind and gentle and understanding. He's about a 40 minute drive from where we are now, but I think I'm going to call him tomorrow to see if he can take us sometime during the week to look at the boys. I just can't fathom making such a serious decision before getting another opinion.

I know when I'm sitting in the room with the boys, they seem like they still have so much growing to do. Every day I see new hope that they (especially Wesley) will be able to muster enough strength to walk - if even just a little bit... but, I know my opinion could be biased, and as a couple people have mentioned - I could just be throwing my own emotions into it, because I want to see them succeed so much. And maybe it really isn't the best thing for them.

What do I want? Deep down? I want to keep them here. I want to hold on to that hope that they may come around. But maybe I'm just kidding myself.

So I suppose I'll just leave it at that for now. I've been given a couple of CH areas to reach out to online, that I plan to browse through today.

Thanks again for all of your help. I'll be in touch soon. ♥